At the heart of every good egg sandwich there’s an egg. At the heart of every good egg there’s a yoke. At the heart of every good yoke there’s an evolutionary story as old as time. What does this all mean? IDRK but here’s how I’ve made the most despised egg sandwich in all history.
Before we begin, I realize one of the biggest issues with recipes these days is that they’re not including Subway Surfers’ gameplay to keep me engaged. Because of this I’ve eaten nothing but Taco Bell bean burritos for the past months, however due to a degenerate wager I made with Keitan, I am no longer legally allowed to partake in Taco Bell. Here’s my attempt at fixing the recipe industry, and taking over Big Recipe™.
re-visit this anytime you feel yourself becoming bored
Serving: 0.5 human : Prep Time 5 minutes : Cook Time: 10 Minutes
A musket bellows behind you. A dull ache spawns in your head as you scramble toward the nearest downfall of trees. The ominous clouds that were once far off now shoot daggers of light through the gun-smoke-filled air.
Reaching for your canteen, another shot rings out. Almost like magic, a hole forms in the metal container that holds the one thing you need now more than anything. You watch helplessly as the water drains away. Licking your dry lips, you cautiously peek your head over the tree you’ve taken refuge behind.
There he is.
A tall, scrawny man with the hard face of a beast like someone forced to watch one too many Mr. Beast videos on Youtube. He calls out,
“H-hey there, fella, I’m just a-messin’ with ya. The boys back in Washington let me come out here and play around a lil’.”
You don’t believe a word of it. My God he nearly killed you.
Then you see it: a small crack in the tree, just big enough for a rifle barrel.
“I bet if I move slow enough, I could get one shot off through there before this crazy sees me.”
With the speed of a turtle, you crawl forward. You slide your rifle through the opening. Beads of sweat run down your face as you steady your aim right on his head.
And what a head it is.
The biggest you’ve ever seen.
No worries. Bigger target.
You squeeze the trigger.
Your last bullet rips through the air. You watch it make direct contact. You wipe the sweat from your face and let out a sigh of relief.
You’ll live to see another day.
Standing up from the tree that has kept you alive, you turn…
…and see the man still standing.
His hat, once tall and proud is now a mangled ruin, a clean hole punched straight through the crown. Dust drifts off it as he slowly lifts a hand, feeling the damage. Then his eyes lock onto yours.
“Gowd damnit… you wuined my favowite hat.”
His voice trembles. A tear rolls down his cheek.
You’re certain this is the end. This man is clearly beyond furious. You try to swallow, but your mouth is bone dry. All you can hear is the pounding of your heart. Seconds stretch into hours as you wait for the inevitable.
Then…
you hear it.
Crying.
Everything snaps back into focus. The man who was moments from killing you is now sitting on the ground, pounding his hands and feet into the dirt, screaming:
“I’m going to make you pay for this… I’m going to make you all pay!”
When he returned to Washington and told the boys about it, they rejoiced at what they believed was a brilliant idea.
“We make them pay,” he said.
They declared it would help with crisis funding.
The man with the broken hat tried to shut it down.
“No, no, I just need enough for a new hat…”
But it was too late.
Everyone else was sold on the idea.
And so, an agency was born.
An agency that, to this day, has collected over $90 trillion to $100 trillion…
All because someone shot President Lincoln’s favorite hat.
This was a very brief historically accurate depiction of how the IRS was formed. Now back to the present day.
On 4/4/2026, Somewhere in Cave Creek Arizona, 11 days before national hat tax collection day Kaber sits at his desk. Instead of paying these dues he is providing the community of Keet.one the secret of the egg sandwich recipe.
Ingredients
- 2 slices sourdough bread
- 2 eggs
- ½ avocado, diced
- Handful of cherry tomatoes, halved
- Bell peppers, sliced (any color)
- 1–2 tbsp pesto
- Olive oil
- Salt & pepper
Optional (extra protein):
- Fennel sausage (from Dillons), cooked and sliced
Instructions
1. Prep the pan
- Heat a skillet over medium heat
- Add a light drizzle of olive oil
2. Roast the tomatoes & peppers
- Add halved tomatoes + bell peppers to the pan
- Cook until lightly browned and softened (about 4–6 minutes)
- Season with salt & pepper
- Remove and set aside
3. Cook the eggs
- In the same pan, crack your eggs
- Cook to your preference (over-medium works great here)
- Lightly season
4. Toast the sourdough
- Spread olive oil on both sides of each slice
- Place directly in the pan with remaining oils/flavor
- Toast until golden and slightly crispy
5. Assemble the sandwich
- Bottom slice:
- Spread pesto
- Add avocado
- Add roasted tomatoes & peppers
- Layer eggs on top
- (Optional) Add sliced fennel sausage
- Top with second slice of sourdough
Mmm mmm mm sooo deliciousou
Please cook responsibly and for the love of god leave a mans top hat alone, taxes are gay.